Thursday, January 18, 2007

Soft-assed Guest Post

Before you guys read any further, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Who the fuck is this Thomas person, and why does he get to post?” Well, let me introduce myself. I am Thomas, also known (or not known) as Antor. I’m not very popular, but I do know Artem in real life, so that like… gives me posting privileges or something. Anyway, if you’ve been keeping up with this blog I’m sure you read the part where Artem promised there would be a story that scarred me for life.

I had just got finished spending the evening with a group of lame people. And by lame people I mean worse than your group of average, over-opinionated, anime-loving nerds. The problem with people these days is that everyone tries to fit in, and it was more than obvious after seeing people I used to go to school with after not seeing them for three months. But I’ll save that for another gripe, possibly on my livejournal or something. Anyway, they had decided to pull an all-nighter, but each one of them passed out sometime around 1:00. You don’t have to take my word for this if you don’t want to, but I’ve been known to stay up longer than twenty-four hours, and I was rather disappointed when they couldn’t even make it to 6:00. So I left their house and headed home.

It was probably around 1:30 when I finally got home. The house was quiet and all the lights were off. My dad was home, and I noticed his girlfriend’s car parked outside. I decided to be quiet and just go to my room and watch some television. However, there’s nothing on television on Friday nights (or Saturday mornings if you want to be technical). Not even Adult Swim, which I usually watch out of boredom. Dear God, please allow anime to make sense just once – Inuyasha is garbage.

Anyway, like I was saying, nothing was on television. So I decided to just make it an early night, mostly because there was nothing to do and I didn’t feel like leveling Bard. I head upstairs to use the restroom and then I had planned on going to sleep. Before I continue, let me say that my dad had recently been fairly ill. I was taking a piss and I hear some loud breathing. So, being the good son that I am I walk over to his room. The door is wide open, and I took a step inside planning to check up on him.

Biggest mistake ever. My dad is having sex with his girlfriend. And the thought of my dad having sex doesn’t gross me out, it’s just the thought of him having sex with her. Have any of you ever heard of Pruneface? Pruneface is a character in Dick Tracey. Well, she kind of looks like Pruneface. To make sure that they didn’t see me, I took one step back. Turning completely around would cause me to make noise on the wooden floor beneath me, so I just walk in the general direction I’m already facing, making me have to hide in the laundry room.

We keep our dogs in the laundry room at night, so it was tough keeping them quiet. But while I was back there I could hear them talking still. Luckily I couldn’t make out all of it, but I could make out parts of it. Like this charm:

“Oh, your ass is so soft.”

I know I’m an adult, but I don’t want to hear that! I waited for a while, and sometime around 3:00 I decided it was a good idea to sneak outside, regardless of how much noise the doors make. I sneak outside, and one of my dogs runs out the door barking at random stuff. Somehow I wasn’t caught. Aside from my boxers I was completely naked, and I could see my breath, which in South Carolina usually means that it’s about as “cold” as it’s going to get outside. I get the spare key and somehow get my dog back inside, and I also manage to break into my room (the spare key usually doesn’t work on my room).

Even in my room, on the other side of the house, I could still hear them talking and having sex. They maybe kept me up until about 4:00. I feel sorry for my dogs, as they must sit through this just about every night. (Actually, after this incident, this happened again, but I knew to stop a lot earlier than at the door just so I could turn around). Artem was the first person I talked to the next day, and for some reason he wanted me to post this story.

So here you go. Now don't send me any /tells about my ass being soft. Please (I get it enough from Xantrailles, anyway).

Friday, January 12, 2007

Dear Friends and My Dick



So both Artem and myself were long overdue for an update, I swear though. I intended on posting today regardless of whether or not Artem did! I spent an entire week far far away, 5 hours from civilization in a tiny Brazilian town, which is why I hadn't updated that entire week. Please forgive me!



Now that I'm back to civilzation, I intend on going back to flirting with straight men til I manage to convert them, as I usually do. Not that I have converted any yet, but the dream lives on. After an admittedly nice, but boring week away, I've pretty much spent another boring week here. At least with internet I have access to FFXI and porn! My only distraction really, aside from the porn that is, is all of the people I talk to, most who I met through FFXI. I'm grateful for you guys! Maybe such friendships end up paying off in real life, you never know. I've had the pleasure of meeting some fellow LS members before I moved to Brazil. And just the other day I was speaking to another FFXI gamer from Rio, Dejan, who I next plan on trying to convert. He claims he'll take me out drinking next time he is in town and that he's not taking "no" for an answer. Whether he'll stick to his promise or not remains to be seen... but I think he is the one who should watch out... I might be the one who doesn't take "no" for an answer (specially from a drunk straight boy wooooo!) :P Dejan you've been warned!



Why is it that a man would resist me anyway? I mean... I'm such a hot girl. Even Pauk thinks so. Though I don't understand why he would want to share all of my big-tittied, tight-assed, milky-skinned, feminine hotness with anyone else...





I guess guys just like to share their conquests or something. I've blurred out the name to protect the name of the not quite so innocent... innocent. Mostly because I don't know him. Either way, thank you Pauk for trying to hook me up. I still would prefer a hot moustache ride from you though.



So, ok. I'm not really a girl, and thank god for that. My dick is my most precious possession. Always there to cheer me up when I'm need of a friend. I would be very sad if my friend just went missing. Just like Artem... he's almost as a good a friend to me as my dick and I would totally cry if he suddenly vanished. My dick is like a fountain... a fountain that oozes and spurts gayness and joy in abundant quantity. So Abundant that I'm forced to pour of all that onto others to relieve my burden. And if I don't do so.. all you have have got to do is ask!...





No need to be ashamed.. I have enough gayness to go 'round!



So if any of you hot studs out there need some man-loving feel free to ask. I'm always ready to provide. You all know where to find me!





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I'm so sorry... & The Highschool Sluts...

Before I begin with this blog, I would like to point out that from now on all my titles will be two-parters!

My good friends, I have failed you. I have failed at posting in timely manner... I do not deserve to die... it's time to go super emo /WRIST. Okay, that out of the way, let me explain to you what happened to my posts. My dog ate them ; ; no really... Actually, my semester in college started and I just have been swamped with preparatory work. Also, I did Advanced Standing for 6 credit hours so I do not have to take the class. That was almost fun. On top of that... Xan is a big pussy and he can't post before, he just has to wait :(

I bet you didn't even read that... you scrolled right down just to see what about these Highschool sluts? You perv... I'm sorry to disappoint you, but it's a play on words.. and here's the play


I have to say... that kind of does sound like a school girl crush. Some girls just like it in the ass... what did you think only guys take it that way? I will leave the context of that conversation out, and let Xan explain it to you when he gets a chance. For the gal's reading this topic, having anal sex helps you tighten up those buttocks into a pleasantly shaped bottom. >.> Ask Xan, he's been offering to fix other guy's asses for years now. If only there was scientific evidence to help him along!

That aside, I want to rant about highschool girls. I love them. As the great saying goes "I keep gettin' older, but they stay the same age" or something like that. The thing I never understood about highschool girls is why are they so awful to each other. I mean there are simple solutions to every problem between guys. Couple of punches and they are best friends. I would like to propose a solution for the girls in high schools. Why don't we just get a big mud pit and wrestle naked! I'll even help out!... No? Damn it was worth a shot.

Speaking of wrestling naked, have you ever had to experience the sounds of old people having sex? Well in the next installment, our guest blogger Antor will tell you his horrid experience that left me laughing for days.

For those that forgot this, let me remind you:


Yeah, I have to deal with Xan all the time, so every once in a while I'm gonna pawn him of on you! It's quite funny though. Now that I have gotten into the swing of things, I'll play ffxi more often and take more screenshots to let you enjoy visual stimulation.

Speaking of visual stimulation :( I'm from the ghetto:



I will post more later, now it's time for class!