Before you guys read any further, I’m sure you’re wondering, “Who the fuck is this Thomas person, and why does he get to post?” Well, let me introduce myself. I am Thomas, also known (or not known) as Antor. I’m not very popular, but I do know Artem in real life, so that like… gives me posting privileges or something. Anyway, if you’ve been keeping up with this blog I’m sure you read the part where Artem promised there would be a story that scarred me for life.
I had just got finished spending the evening with a group of lame people. And by lame people I mean worse than your group of average, over-opinionated, anime-loving nerds. The problem with people these days is that everyone tries to fit in, and it was more than obvious after seeing people I used to go to school with after not seeing them for three months. But I’ll save that for another gripe, possibly on my livejournal or something. Anyway, they had decided to pull an all-nighter, but each one of them passed out sometime around 1:00. You don’t have to take my word for this if you don’t want to, but I’ve been known to stay up longer than twenty-four hours, and I was rather disappointed when they couldn’t even make it to 6:00. So I left their house and headed home.
It was probably around 1:30 when I finally got home. The house was quiet and all the lights were off. My dad was home, and I noticed his girlfriend’s car parked outside. I decided to be quiet and just go to my room and watch some television. However, there’s nothing on television on Friday nights (or Saturday mornings if you want to be technical). Not even Adult Swim, which I usually watch out of boredom. Dear God, please allow anime to make sense just once – Inuyasha is garbage.
Anyway, like I was saying, nothing was on television. So I decided to just make it an early night, mostly because there was nothing to do and I didn’t feel like leveling Bard. I head upstairs to use the restroom and then I had planned on going to sleep. Before I continue, let me say that my dad had recently been fairly ill. I was taking a piss and I hear some loud breathing. So, being the good son that I am I walk over to his room. The door is wide open, and I took a step inside planning to check up on him.
Biggest mistake ever. My dad is having sex with his girlfriend. And the thought of my dad having sex doesn’t gross me out, it’s just the thought of him having sex with her. Have any of you ever heard of Pruneface? Pruneface is a character in Dick Tracey. Well, she kind of looks like Pruneface. To make sure that they didn’t see me, I took one step back. Turning completely around would cause me to make noise on the wooden floor beneath me, so I just walk in the general direction I’m already facing, making me have to hide in the laundry room.
We keep our dogs in the laundry room at night, so it was tough keeping them quiet. But while I was back there I could hear them talking still. Luckily I couldn’t make out all of it, but I could make out parts of it. Like this charm:
“Oh, your ass is so soft.”
I know I’m an adult, but I don’t want to hear that! I waited for a while, and sometime around 3:00 I decided it was a good idea to sneak outside, regardless of how much noise the doors make. I sneak outside, and one of my dogs runs out the door barking at random stuff. Somehow I wasn’t caught. Aside from my boxers I was completely naked, and I could see my breath, which in South Carolina usually means that it’s about as “cold” as it’s going to get outside. I get the spare key and somehow get my dog back inside, and I also manage to break into my room (the spare key usually doesn’t work on my room).
Even in my room, on the other side of the house, I could still hear them talking and having sex. They maybe kept me up until about 4:00. I feel sorry for my dogs, as they must sit through this just about every night. (Actually, after this incident, this happened again, but I knew to stop a lot earlier than at the door just so I could turn around). Artem was the first person I talked to the next day, and for some reason he wanted me to post this story.
So here you go. Now don't send me any /tells about my ass being soft. Please (I get it enough from Xantrailles, anyway).